Digging down deep

It's been forever since I blogged....I find writing therapeutic so I am going to start taking this back up.

Digging down deep to finding your true identity is hard and confusing. Not knowing...then finally knowing has left me confused, tired, emotionally and mentally drained. When I look in the mirror, I finally know who and where I am from. Although, I finally **KNOW**, I don't understand.

In the process, I've been stuck in the mud, been cut by thorns, stickers, briars, freezing conditions, heat stroke, climbed mountains, been dehydrated. Ok, these are all figures of speech but not knowing and then knowing is harder than I originally thought.

The hardest part has been my marriage. I married at 18 years old to the man who I love to death. We're matches and gasoline, literally. I've thought about giving up on this marriage in the past 3 years so many times. Too many times to count. I wanted my husband to be best friend, brother, husband, my father, provider, my childrens father, and the list went on and on. I expected too much from him. Things changed a few weeks ago......I was ready to give it all up. I was ready to be single, a single mom, ready to leave my home (that we love and worked so hard for), ready to lose whatever had to be lost in order to be ________. I couldnt fill in that blank. My husband works nights and I work days and we're basically living 2 seperate lives in this home. Not what I want or what I signed up for. A few weeks ago, my feelings were so bottled up and we had a huge blow up (all me....he's easy going and I am the hot head). I couldn't hold in my feelings of discontent anymore. I made my decision to file for divorce.

To my amazement, his response was totally different. Don't get me wrong, he was angry and bitter at me. Had many choice words for me and we ignored each other for almost a week.....not one word was spoken between the 2 of us. BUTTTT his response was heart warming. For once in my life he wasn't wanting to run. He wanted to work it out and trust in himself, God, and ME....WHAT? ME???
I love old saying, Peace comes in the darkest hour. Well, that is exactly what has happened.

I can honestly say, this man loves me no matter what. He didnt want abandon me. I have never trusted because I had in my head that everyone will abandon me at some point.

Now, that things have been laid out on the table....The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly....things are finally turning around. My biggest gripe is that he works nights and I work days. Totally not working around here and I'm tired of being a "single married mom". Just when I had given up, he is looking at a promotion.....a big pay raise, better hours, and we can be a family again. I miss our dinners together at night, our family outtings, our date nights, him attending the kids events with me, us being in the same house at night, playing volleyball in the afternoons, our family vacations and trips together. No doubt I love him......I think it took him not wanting to run to make me realize how much he actually loves me. I am really blessed more than I ever knew or realized.
I'm hoping he accepts this position....he's worked so hard for it and deserves it. I've finally found some contentment with this marriage that I havent had in a long long time.
Life is getting much much better! God really answers prayers....and blessed me more than I deserve.

2009 National Champions Roll Tide!

How freakin wonderful! So proud to call Tuscaloosa my home....we're a college town with a serious beer and FOOTBALL addicition.

ROLLLLL FREAKIN TIDEEEEEEEE!

13 baby!!!!!!

Journaling

I love to journal and write. Sometimes I fall short knowing what to write about....it's usually feelings, kids, work, you know the daily grind. There is a new blog to help with just that.
I've ignored this blog for the past few months because life was too busy to sit down and upload a million things. I am excited that something and other people will give me the mojo to document the important things in my life, things I wouldn't typically think of.
Here's the link if anyone is interested in playing along.
http://yourlifespelledout.blogspot.com/

Ok....now gotta Rock my Blog with some stories.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful 2010....may it be filled with lots of good memories!

2009...Answers Revealed

Wishing everyone a year of wealth, health, and happiness. Happy 2010!

2009 was an incredible year........I have asked myself 1000's of questions regarding who I am for 33 years. 2009 was the year that the answers were revealed. I think back on this year and remind myself that no matter where you go, the truth is following you. People might think that they can get away with wrong deed but it will catch up with you. Unfortunately, unplanned kids from my biological father followed him his whole life. Us kids paid the price for the rejection, abandonment, and the years of anger. ***However on the bright side, I had an awesome daddy who loved me like my biological dad couldn't. I will forever love him and still think about him daily***

While I had an awesome daddy....I still wondered where I am from....I guess everyone would eventually want to know their bloodlines, roots, whatever you want to call it.

I set out trying to figure it out on many attempts but the door was usually only cracked, never fully open.

2009 my bio father passed away (only met him 3 times in my life and hadn't spoken in years)and answers were revealed. WOW! When one door closes, another opens. This saying is so dang true. I discovered brothers and sisters......we all met individually and finally all together. There are more siblings out there.....my brother and I will find them when it's God's time.

I've turned out to have awesome brothers and a great sister......I hate that we're all seperated my distance but we keep in contact on a regular basis. God truly answered my prayers by revealing my brothers and sisters and developing a relationship with them. None of us except our sister knew our bio father.....I am thankful that we have each other and peace knowing that we're not dealing with this alone.

2009 was definitely a year that I will NEVER forget.

Great quote

*****You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future*****

Get quote shared on Facebook.


We had a busy and good weekend. I worked all weekend since I now work every third weekend. The kids had a wonderful time Saturday night and are really hyper now that they've consumed about 40% of their candy. My kids don't do well with sugar and a time change all in the same weekend.

I love setting the clocks back (after the initial adjustment).......I feel like I am at home longer in the afternoons and the kids usually go to bed earlier, which I love! LOL

I have a ton of stuff to post on here......I stink at uploading things. Don't know why I roll like that but I do.

Hope you have a fantastic Monday.....off today and I am about to head out shopping and to take the puppy back to the vet to get staples removed.

Enjoy your day!

Great Weekend and ROLL TIDE!

so far after a crappy week! I love FALLLLLLL......
My dog will live....he had surgery to fix his lungs and diaphram (sp) ....he's costing some mega money but he's alive and good.

Saturday was great...got my house cleaned, went to do my own thing, boys went hunting, and then my daughter scheduled a sleepover. Luckily these girls were really good last night cause I was tired. Well, they were good after I made them turn down the stereo upstairs. HEHE!

Alabama won over Tennessee....didn't see the game but I did hear it on the radio.
12-10.....Tennessee came to play some football. Alabama struggled but Cody saved the day!
In the paper today Cody's play will go down as a historical moment for Alabama football.
I swear I thought we were going to lose!

Going to take the kids to the pumpkin patch today........Hubby and I always make a family day and take them, something we've always done. This year hubby won't be going but I am still taking them. I've gotten pretty good at doing things by myself with the kids.
I Love taking fall pictures with all of the pumpkins and scrapping them.
Gonna be a fun day!

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Crappy Day

Hello my internet friends....Debbie Downer here! More of a vent than anything else......When I opened my eyeballs this morning, my day went to hell.
I got up and got ready for work.... my hair wouldn't fix, felt like crap, my clothes didn't dry, my kids wouldn't cooperate, and I was running late. I finally hurried everyone up and we were out the door by 6:10am. As I was going out the door my pups were laying on the front porch sound asleep. We got in the car which was 10 feet from the front porch and I put it in reverse. Well I hear a yelp....A LOUD YELP. I hit the favorite dog out of the 3 (whos suppose to be asleep on the front porch). I didn't run over him but I bumped him. I ran back to get my hubby to go check on the pup so I could go on. We were late without all of this.
I dropped the kids off at the bus stops and went on to work.
Needless to say, the dog has no broken bones but he has intestine damage and he's bleeding in his lungs. Hubby took him to the vet where they don't expect him to make it. I feel guilty, angry that I hurt the kids and hubby, and I feel stupid cause that dog was asleep before I walked that 10 feet to the car.
I stopped by the vet when I got off of work....I held the little guy, felt bad that I caused him to be suffering. He forgave me....he buried his head in my chest and kept wanting his ears scratched. Anyway, tomorrow I hope to know where we stand. If he makes it then he's going to be one spoiled little dog especially by me. I've never been that crazy about this dog yet I sent my family on a 8 hour drive to pick him up and sent some mega $$$ after finding him online.

Then the second phone call came in that my 19 yr old niece was rushed to the hospital with her heart. She has advanced stages of heart disease. Things aren't looking too great for her. Another blow to my crappy day. God I hope you give these doctors that knowledge to treat her and give her life. I've always been crazy about this girl! She was the little flower girl when I married my husband. I've watched her grow up since she was 4.

I'm personally not afraid of death but fearing death in others horrifies me. Once death occurs, you can never get back anything or make anything right again.
I struggle with this subject because we have jackasses who molest kids in prison and they'll live to be 90 yrs old. Only the good die young is a true saying.

Gotta have faith which is hard to have at times.

Here's to a better Thursday otherwise I'm going on a Margarita binge!