Digging down deep

It's been forever since I blogged....I find writing therapeutic so I am going to start taking this back up.

Digging down deep to finding your true identity is hard and confusing. Not knowing...then finally knowing has left me confused, tired, emotionally and mentally drained. When I look in the mirror, I finally know who and where I am from. Although, I finally **KNOW**, I don't understand.

In the process, I've been stuck in the mud, been cut by thorns, stickers, briars, freezing conditions, heat stroke, climbed mountains, been dehydrated. Ok, these are all figures of speech but not knowing and then knowing is harder than I originally thought.

The hardest part has been my marriage. I married at 18 years old to the man who I love to death. We're matches and gasoline, literally. I've thought about giving up on this marriage in the past 3 years so many times. Too many times to count. I wanted my husband to be best friend, brother, husband, my father, provider, my childrens father, and the list went on and on. I expected too much from him. Things changed a few weeks ago......I was ready to give it all up. I was ready to be single, a single mom, ready to leave my home (that we love and worked so hard for), ready to lose whatever had to be lost in order to be ________. I couldnt fill in that blank. My husband works nights and I work days and we're basically living 2 seperate lives in this home. Not what I want or what I signed up for. A few weeks ago, my feelings were so bottled up and we had a huge blow up (all me....he's easy going and I am the hot head). I couldn't hold in my feelings of discontent anymore. I made my decision to file for divorce.

To my amazement, his response was totally different. Don't get me wrong, he was angry and bitter at me. Had many choice words for me and we ignored each other for almost a week.....not one word was spoken between the 2 of us. BUTTTT his response was heart warming. For once in my life he wasn't wanting to run. He wanted to work it out and trust in himself, God, and ME....WHAT? ME???
I love old saying, Peace comes in the darkest hour. Well, that is exactly what has happened.

I can honestly say, this man loves me no matter what. He didnt want abandon me. I have never trusted because I had in my head that everyone will abandon me at some point.

Now, that things have been laid out on the table....The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly....things are finally turning around. My biggest gripe is that he works nights and I work days. Totally not working around here and I'm tired of being a "single married mom". Just when I had given up, he is looking at a promotion.....a big pay raise, better hours, and we can be a family again. I miss our dinners together at night, our family outtings, our date nights, him attending the kids events with me, us being in the same house at night, playing volleyball in the afternoons, our family vacations and trips together. No doubt I love him......I think it took him not wanting to run to make me realize how much he actually loves me. I am really blessed more than I ever knew or realized.
I'm hoping he accepts this position....he's worked so hard for it and deserves it. I've finally found some contentment with this marriage that I havent had in a long long time.
Life is getting much much better! God really answers prayers....and blessed me more than I deserve.